I adore my daughter Lucy like no one's beeswax. She literally brightens my day, makes me smile constantly, and has created new meaning in my life that I didn't even know could exist. She's a delight; A hilarious, curious, silly, adorable bundle of poop, farts, hunger, crying, and cuddles. And she's all mine. Well, all ours.
The bad part: I've let her completely kill my intimacy with Glenn. For those of you reading this who in anyway are related to either of us, I'd say tune-out now. There's going to be some references to our sex life here that could scar you in unpredictable ways. You've been warned.
Ok, so it all started yesterday. I was pumping gas at Chevron on the way home from work, when this creepy taxi driver pulls up, tells me I'm beautiful in broken English, and proceeds to mimic me getting into his cab. All the while he's raising his eyebrows in a "Yes? You, me, sexytime? Yes?" way. I smiled in that "Nice try, sleazeball" way, and pointed to my wedding ring. He shrugged his shoulders, got out of the taxi, and walked into the Chevron mini mart, staring back at me the whole time, in some strange effort to change my mind with his seedy grimace.
Aside from being oddly flattered and nauseated simultaneously, I immediately was grateful for Glenn. I knew I was lucky to have a kind, generous, hilarious, intelligent, and hot husband who loved me like no other. I texted him my intentions, and got home anticipating excitement that's too delectable to publish here.
I walk in the front door, and who's beaming at me through sweet potato clumps stuck to her mouth: Miss Lucy. Then, Sammy the spaniel jumps up and knocks any remaining libido out of my system, licking me with a tongue bearing breath foul enough to kill communities of small rodents.
Glenn looks up at me with a defeated sigh, and I realize: It's Not Going To Happen. Lucy ended up awake and extremely alert for the next several hours, finally going to sleep around 8pm. By the time I sang her "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," and it's brethren "Baa Baa, Black Sheep," I was so beyond sexytime, it was pathetic.
Glenn saunters into the bedroom around 11pm, after finishing up a long evening of editing in his office. I can see the silhouette of his body along the shadows cast on the wall, and I have a moment of craving for the strength and security of his arms around me. Just then, as tiny tickles of passion start to come out of hibernation, Lucy squirms and farts, as if to say, "Ha ha, suckas! Not so fast!"
She, in fact, needed both a bottle and a changing, which left both of us semi-willing to try and keep our appetites whetted for a second chance after she fell asleep again. And yet, this too was not to be.
Mid-diaper change, Lucy suddenly looks up at me, her eyes bulging wide. Apparently she's decided it's time to play. Her giggles, wiggles and squeals indicate a readiness for her "bouncy" chair and an episode or two of "Yo Gabba Gabba" on Nick, Jr.
Awesome.
Yes, that's been the sad state of sexual affairs we've lived lately. To be honest, we haven't had a "normal" sex life for well over a year, since I found out I was pregnant mid-August 2008. To say it's frustrating is an understatement; Glenn has been trying to initiate moments of intimacy wherever he can get 'em: kisses, touches, squeezes, cuddles, and more. Usually I'm open to them, but with a screaming and stinky baby, attempts at reciprocation are usually blocked by feelings of exhaustion and irritation. And sometimes I'm just too far gone in "baby zone" to go there; Singing nursery rhymes, getting mushed carrots on my face, and creating weird, silly voices to entertain Lucy makes the transition into seductress often difficult.
I know this is the plight of married or coupled folks across the nation, nay, the world. We're not alone in our baby cock-blocks. And where does my fertile-with-neuroses mind wander, but to jealousy and fear, of course. Glenn's going to have an affair! Glenn's going to get attracted to every cute girl he sees! Glenn's getting bored with me and wants a threesome! The list goes on in my head, much to Glenn's dismay.
So, I've promised to make more of an effort to "let go" of the Lucy duty state-of-mind, and giving the same loving attention to our intimacy. Glenn's promised to be more understanding as to why I'm not able to instantly transform from mommy into temptress. Lucy has yet to compromise anything, and we're not getting our hopes up. But when she turns 18, we're getting our sex life back, dammit.
TODAY'S ROXY SHOCKS RX: Practice some "Radical Acceptance" and resign yourself to singing with me today! To the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It." Everybody, now: If you're married with a baby, shout Hooray (Hoo-ray!), If you're married with a baby, shout Hooray (Hoo-Ray!), If you're cock blocked then you know it, and your sex life surely shows it, if you're married with a baby, shout Hooray (Hoo-Ray!)
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