After taking a 2+ month hiatus from this here blog (due to obsessively writing a dissertation proposal), I'm delighted to declare myself back in the blogosphere saddle again. And what better topic to start back with than feeling like a crappy parent?
After all, I've been working on my degree, teaching preschool part-time, and training for a 1/2 marathon (none of which seemed nearly as boastful or annoying as they do right now as I read them)...there's been no lack of 'tsk-tsk's and knowing glances to clue me in on the possibility I show some neglectful parenting trends. But, I swear, I spend as much time with Lucy as possible. I make time for Lucy; I work to balance my personal goals with putting her needs as my priority, Said the woman who obliviously sat typing, whilst her one-year-old daughter stuffed germ-coated, dirt-covered dog toys in her mouth.
Ok, so maybe I have moments of not being totally present with Lucy. But, I'm beginning to think that no matter what I do, no matter how nurturing and diligent a parent I can be to Lucy, at some point in her future, I will discover that Glenn and I did it ALL WRONG.
My mother-in-law came to me the other day, an article out-stretched in her hands. There was bright pink highlighter emblazened on the pages, but I wasn't sure if the emphasized phrases were for my benefit or hers. She gave me the papers with a frustrated sigh, her head hung noticeably lower, and asked me to read the contents. I realized quickly that the highlighted points of interest were each a parenting "tip" she hadn't been privy to during her early parenting years, and she had outlined each phrase with the hope that I could learn from her "mistakes".
The story was basically a cautionary tale for present-day parents, warning them not to call their children "smart," lest they wanted them to become under-achieving worry-warts, labeled as "intelligent" throughout their childhood, and perpetually petrified as adults that any undertakings ventured outside their bubble of familiarity could prove everyone wrong: that they were actually not so brilliant all along.
After giving my terrific mother-in-law a life-experience-based pep talk I hadn't nearly yet earned about how parenting was difficult, I thought about other "findings" related to child-rearing I've heard, many of which contradict each other in ways that make my paranoid head spin. I also recalled my adventures into the on-line world of anonymous parenting patrol, where people suddenly become arm-chair quarterbacks about the dos and don'ts of parenting. Recent "research" and "articles" they've read become fodder for panicking parents and freaking out stay-at-home-moms who were simply going on-line for some information about whether their kid's green poop was an age-appropriate hue:
"Don't EVER let your child watch TV! It will most definitely rot their brains! Well, actually, a little TV might stimulate certain parts of their brain. But, not a lot, or that whole brain rot thing could happen! And while we're at it, NO video games! Except the ones that help eye-hand coordination, those are ok. But, anything with fast edit cuts WILL cause your child to develop ADHD. As for food, no milk until they're a year old, but don't give them soy because there are findings that prove it causes cancer in some men. So, give them breast milk, and NOT formula. And if you've had trouble breast-feeding, KEEP TRYING, because you're clearly not wanting it badly enough. A breast-fed baby is a healthy, happy baby. Oh, you didn't breast feed? Oh, ok. Well, I'm sure she'll be fine. And you took allergy pills during pregnancy? Well, you're screwed. Oh, it was just Tylenol? That's fine, as long as it wasn't ADVIL. God forbid it was Advil, or you really are screwed. And you're putting her in a rear-facing seat, right?! Also, make sure she's not sleeping in your bed. She IS!? Well, good luck getting her to potty train, because she'll have so much separation anxiety from sleeping with you, that she'll be permanently anally retentive now. Oh, and if you're smart, you'll start enrolling her in pre-school immediately. If she's not enrolled by three months old, you'll be stuck on a waiting list until she's 5 years old, for sure!"
Now, I understand there are many on-line advice givers who are absolutely there to help others. Many have been through tragic, perhaps even fatal accidents or mishaps with their children, and they use their experiences to help others prevent the same fate. But, the fact is, as much as we try to prevent any and all accidents from happening, or do our damnedest to follow all these studies and recent findings to a "t", something we do with our kids at some point might just land them in therapy. If we coddle our kids, they'll become clingy, dependent 35-year-olds still living at home; If we spank our kids they'll develop attachment disorders and become soulless sociopaths who just needed momma's love. What is that "happy medium" everyone talks about? How can I find it? I know, I know, I'm talking in extremes here, but, if we can't tell our kids that they're "smart" what can we tell them?
According to this article, we should praise their effort, not their inherent intelligence or worth. Ok, fair enough. "Honey, you're working so hard!" versus "Honey, you're so smart!" is not too much to ask. But, I remember teaching at a school a few years ago where the program manager insisted we not tell the kids they were "doing a good job," or praising them for their "effort," and instead we needed to focus on "being objective." So, rather than saying, "Timmy, you are working so hard! Great job!" I could say, "Timmy, I see that you're drawing a goat." Well, la dee freakin' da. What does that do for a kid? We can't relate any judgments or subjective thoughts to him about his experience or efforts? Is he going to thrive in the world by stating the obvious to everyone?
Timmy as an adult to a girl he likes: So, I see you're wearing a low-cut dress.
Girl: Yes.
Timmy: That's a very low-cut dress.
Girl: Uh, ok.
Timmy: And I see that you're not wearing a ring.
Girl: You're starting to weird me out.
Timmy: It appears that I'm starting to worry you. I wanted to ask you on a date.
Girl: No.
Timmy: I hear that you just said "No."
Girl: No SHIT. GO AWAY.
Poor Timmy, maybe if his mom had just just focused on praising his "effort" more, he could've worked harder to draw better goats, thus preparing him to put more successful effort into snagging chicks (or dudes, no prejudice here).
TODAY'S ROXY SHOCKS RX: Do the best you can to teach your kids resilience, respect, pride, concern for others, kindness, and help them reach as much of their "potential" as they can at school, socially, etc. Feel a healthy amount of guilt if you didn't say all that you meant to say, if you scolded more than you should have, and then give yourself a break for being an imperfect, loving parent.
TODAY'S ROXY SHOCKS RADIO RX: "Mama Didn't Raise No Fool" - PRIMUS
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