I've been immersed in a research paper writing frenzy since I started my doctoral program in July of 2008. But now that I'm a mama (and a working one at that), the world of graduate studies has taken a slightly more, um, hard turn.
Today I find myself drafting what seems like my seven millionth research paper on borderline personality disorder. The stigmatized diagnosis has been getting more press lately as television shows such as "Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew" have started to incorporate clinical depictions, themes and terminology into their format. And hey, there is definitely something intriguing, enigmatic, entertaining, shocking, even hilarious about seeing a person (usually a woman) seeming to fit the "psycho bitch" label that society likes to slap on people who can't seem to get a grasp on their tempers and actions.
But, the actual etiolology of BPD is anything but funny. Beginning in infancy, people who develop the criteria for BPD usually have insecure attachments with their mothers...often they've been abused, abandoned, neglected, and/or molested. Sometimes the parent suffers from addiction and is unable to meet their baby's needs. Somewhere along the line of that child's development, they were arrested in a very painful way, and as an adult they are stuck between wanting to be intimate and have loving relationships, and wanting people to stay the hell away from them because they never learned how to trust that people care for them(or sometimes even know what love is.) This can create a deep wounding called abandonment depression which hurts this child to their core, and is extremely difficult (if not almost impossible) to heal.
Yes, it's a sad situation, and one that deserves more than just a stigmatized diagnosis. Though the DSM-IV can be helpful in ruling out other disorders that mimic BPD and delineating criteria, its been said that when someone has BPD you will just know.
As someone who was diagnosed with having BPD traits as a young adult, I find myself sympathetically drawn towards people struggling with the disorder. And yes, I've been one of the lucky ones who has been able to "grow out" of the symptoms I had; age and therapy have done wonders to a once unstable shell of a girl who had no sense of self or esteem. But for the people who will struggle until their dying day with BPD, what kind of life will they lead?
Most research says a chaotic one, sometimes plagued with abuse, addiction, self-mutilation, suicide attempts, few to no long lasting relationships, no long term careers, and a consuming feeling of emptiness internally. Just like Jennifer Jason Leigh's character in "Single White Female", a person with BPD never reached the point in their child development when they were able to explore their own identity. So, they often have to mimic others, or become chameleon like and "take on" the traits of those around them. If you notice someone becoming really close to you, really quickly, and suddenly adopting your style or quirks...take a closer look at what else is going on with them. Do they have angry outbursts? Are they ever reckless with things like drug abuse, stealing, lying, promiscuity? Do they seem to hate being alone? Do they push you away with bitchy attitude, saying hurtful things one moment, and then apologizing excessively only a few hours later? (Only to repeat the cycle when you get too close?) Of course, it's not your responsibility to diagnose them, in fact that's when things can get ugly (so please don't try)...but to have some background info can be helpful in creating compassion and awareness.
More than anything, people with BPD can't trust. They want to...deeply, painfully want to...but the internal mechanism that develops in early childhood that says "Mommy loves me, whether she is angry or sad or happy...whether she is here or not, she always loves me," never did for them. And so, the next time you hear that someone "is borderline", or has BPD, or exhibits any of the symptoms I've been talking about--take a moment to understand that they might be suffering from an incredibly painful disorder that took root a very long time ago, over which they had no control. Yes, it is their responsibility to get help as an adult. But, the inner tempest swirling around in their minds and bodies can be a strong one, and while it may be easiest to stay the hell away from them (and sometimes that is all you can and should do), take a second look before you judge them as a psycho bitch or a crazy asshole. There's a terrified toddler in there somewhere, searching for mom in everyone's eyes.
TODAY'S ROXY SHOCKS RX: Watch Kari Ann on "Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew" to get an idea of the reason why BPD is so stigmatized.
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