The Desperate Lives of Sister Wives

Ok. I can't hold it in any longer. I've been bottling up my anger about the TLC show "Sister Wives" going on several months now. Is it the fact that the first three wives (Meri, Janelle, and Christine, respectively) are brimming with passive aggressive rage toward the newest "Sister" that is joining the fray? Perhaps it's the way that their polygamist hubby, Kody, seems to have a perpetual dumb-ass grin that I can tangibly feel oozing with smug delight at having a harem of buxom women at his beck-and-effing-call. Or maybe it's Robyn, the 4th wife, who cries at um, EVERYTHING, and who isn't fooling anyone with her ignorance about being the hot wife. Yes, it's all these things and more which make me scrutinize this little love-fest like the judgmental beeyotch I am. So let's get started, shall we?

As a disclaimer, I'm a bisexual woman who appreciates sex and/or romantic love between people of the same gender. That is NOT the issue here. In fact, I was especially tickled when, upon being asked if the wives ever engaged in sex with each other, they shooed away the question with, "No, no. We don't get into that weird stuff."

All righty, then. First off, the jealousy thing. I really appreciate that, as the show has progressed, the first three wives have revealed their increasing levels of resentment and green-eyed fury about Robyn and Kody's unbridled passion. At first, it was, "Oh, when I first met Robyn, there was something about her that made me feel she would be a great new wife for Kody." This turned into, "Yes, I'll admit it. There is some jealousy there." In the latest episode, Kody takes Robyn on an 11-day honeymoon while (ahem) Meri, Christine, and Janelle have to watch Robyn's three kids. While waxing philosophical about the different "needs" of each wife regarding their weddings to Kody Brown, the women slowly begin to crumble under the realization that yes, in fact, they are being played big time: their man is banging a hotter, younger woman 11 days in a row while they martyrifically clean up after her rugrats. Big Time Played.

But would they admit that? Nah. Kody's learning, they say. Kody's getting better at finding time to meet all of their needs, they say. Kody apparently has a really big schlong, is really rich, or was able to sweet-talk all these women enough to wrangle them into a four-way relationship that is based primarily on him inserting his penis into a rotating 'gina so he can have some variety and the wives can have more kids.

Speaking of kids, Meri seems to be the most crestfallen of the brood about her lot in life. She was the first wife, and recently celebrated her 20th anniversary with Kody. Upon reflection, Meri realizes that while Kody and Robyn partied away 11 days in San Diego for their honeymoon, Kody and Meri only had 3 days to celebrate two decades together (well, at least one of those decades included two other wives, but who's counting?) Apparently, breeding is very important in the polygamist community, and it's an unspoken concensus that the more kids a woman has, the more well-regarded she will be. Meri laments her inability to have more than her one daughter, Mariah, several times throughout the series.

Everytime Meri begins to visibly hate-on herself for not being able to conceive more children with Kody, I want to shake her and say, "For goddess sake, woman! You're beautiful, you're smart (I think), you're a great mom! You have a beautiful daughter who seems surprisingly well-adjusted and loved! Some people can't have ANY kids, so appreciate what you have and get the hell out of this marriage if it makes you so damned jealous---you deserve a man who will devote himself to YOU and you alone, if that's what you want!" And anyone who watches the show knows that devotion is what Meri wants, what she really, really wants.

So, why would a woman enter into a marriage, knowing that her man is going to take at least one other wife at some point, if she has gnarly jealousy issues? Take me for example. If Glenn had divulged that he was going to be living a polygamist lifestyle, by the time he finished his sentence he would have been talking to the gust of air that was once Julie, sprinting out the door. No. There is NO WAY that I could handle the pain, rage, confusion, rage, insecurity, and mad rage that would always be gurgling in my gut. It's enough for me to simply think about Glenn sleeping with another woman to get me twisted in psycho knots. To see the romance blossom right in front of me; to witness my husband falling head-over-heels for another woman; to sit in the crowd as he lifts her veil and plants a deep, passionate kiss on her lips as man and wife; to hear her say, "I'm pregnant!", knowing that pregnancy can only be a consequence of sex---sweaty, lusty, monkey sex---that they had on their 11-day honeymoon. Yes, envisioning a life in which I would have to wrestle with all of those aspects not once, but in Meri's case, three times---would likely lead to a series of quite unfortunate, quite homicidal, events.

And yet, this is the lifestyle they all volunteered for. So why should it bother me so much? Different strokes for different folks...to each his or her own...whatever floats yer boat...right? Well, I think it's the therapist in me that has the biggest problem with this show. These women are in pain. They have fooled themselves into thinking that what they really wanted was a big family in lieu of a husband devoted to only them. I can't argue that having such a large, close-knit family looks wonderful; live-in care 'round the clock, bonding galore between kids of all ages, having three other women to support you all the time. But hold the phone. Those three other women are actually your competition. Sure, they're great to vent with about Kody's follies (which I can imagine are plentiful), but what usually happens when a wife meets "the other woman" who has been sleeping with her man in non-polygamist-world?

The two figuratively circle each other like hungry tigers, desperate for information about the others' weaknesses, and worse: picturing her in bed with him. Thought bubbles shoot up over the womens' heads, "Look at those boobs, they're huge! He must have loved her boobs." "She's got gorgeous hair, the bitch. But her teeth are crooked." "She has amazing legs, I bet she wraps those around him in bed." The insecurity-fueled silent grudge-match goes on.

With the sister wives, they have a constant reminder of the fact that they'll never be "The One"; their love, their bed, their marriage is not sacred but shared with three other women. I just cannot wrap my mind around the amount of insecurity these women must have to believe they deserve a husband who can tell them how special they are one minute, and then turn around and say the exact same words to three other women. How is that special?

What I want to know: what happened to these women to make them think this is what they deserve? Let's not take the "big family" thing into consideration; desiring a huge family is great and I'm not judging that. I'm talking strictly about the marriage; the quality of romantic relationship each of these women experiences. In the first episode I was impressed at how well the first three wives got along; although I didn't understand how they got past the jealousy issue, it really seemed as though they'd all found a way to make it work. They genuinely seemed content. And then, Robyn.

Robyn seems to me the epitome of why I could NEVER be in a polygamist relationship. All was hunky-dory in The-Sister-Wives-of-Kody-Brown-Land when, suddenly, Robyn came into focus. Several years younger, lither, more energetic, and more giggly than the other wives, Robyn yanked Kody's love, time, and attention away faster than you can say "home-wrecker." Like a kid in a candy store, Kody just couldn't wait to get his hands on Robyn, and actually broke a rule amongst the sanctity (??) of the polygamist world: do not kiss a woman until she is your wife. And so, when she found out Kody smooched cute little Robyn before they were married, Christine hoisted herself up from the couch (I think she was pretty preggo at the time) and left in a huff. Returning moments later, she asked Kody to be "patient" with her. Patience? Really, that's all you need?


When it comes down to it, I think (heterosexual) women just have the crappy deal in general. Instinctively, a woman wants to keep her man (husband, father of her children) to protect their babies; Men want to bang as many hot women as possible to spread their seed. Being that polygamy rests on the man collecting wives, there is an obvious bias on the side of men gaining their biological desire: more women, more poon, more babies.

The "Sisters" on the other hand, have resolved to tolerate the other women in order to keep their husband close and their children safe. The only trade off? Fidelity. But at least it's out in the open. If nothing else, Kody Brown can be appreciated for his honesty about sleeping with several women at the same time while being married. But, even though he might not technically be stepping out of his marriage to have sexual affairs, what kind of emotional harm is Kody doing to these women (and the children who are being raised by them), when the real damage stems from his affairs of the heart?


ROXY SHOCKS' RX OF THE DAY: Take a moment to enjoy that photo of Kody Brown having his cake and eating it too. Watch "Sister Wives" on TLC-On Demand and write me your thoughts/opinions. I really like to have my mind opened to different viewpoints (as long as that viewpoint doesn't involve taking on a sister wife).


ROXY SHOCKS' RADIO RX OF THE DAY: "I Only Have Eyes For You" (THE FLAMINGOS)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63nlhoda2MY&feature=fvw