Ashley Madison, Have You No Shame?

Actually, we all have SUITCASES of shame, and that's the problem. We usually bring all of it to our relationships, and then create more with each new love. Which is likely the reason that---at some point---there will be conflict.

Ashley Madison is simply the fall-out from a Western society based on bigger-better-faster-stronger, perfectionism, shame-based judgments, fears of mortality, and a general refusal to accept when our demands are not immediately met. So your wife or husband isn't fulfilling you sexually? Or say they're just generally being a pain in the ass? Who needs to WASTE TIME working on that relationship!? Who knows--it could take weeks, months, YEARS to heal that relationship! Who has that kind of time to spend mending the "love of our life"? Pshaw, I say!!

INSTEAD...why don't you just FIX your intimacy problem, get your sexual and emotional needs INSTANTLY met with some STRANGE ASS!!? It's exciting, it's taboo, and best of all: it's OUR SECRET!!! Your partner will NEVER find out, and hey--what they don't know can't hurt them, right?! Okay, so maybe they eventually find out; Say they discover some weird number on the cell phone bill, or you forget to erase the history cache of your computer, or perhaps they start to wonder why you've been going out with "your friends" increasingly more often these days.

Ok, so maybe they DO find out. Here's the thing: Ashley Madison HELPS your relationship!! That's right! By meeting your sexual "exploration" needs, you'll be HAPPIER at home! You'll have more ENERGY for your partner, and you'll be more emotionally available to meet your partners needs now that YOUR NEEDS are being fulfilled! (Granted, by someone outside your relationship...but technicalities, schmechnicalities! You're GETTING LAID!!!)

All right, so cheap shots at the "dating" service aside, does ANYONE actually believe that being granted "permission" to cheat on your spouse is going to, in fact, improve your relationship with them? Because that's the premise that the founder of A.M. based his service on. I happened to catch him on the Tyra Show a few months ago, and he insisted that "people are going to cheat anyway," so why not give them a "safe" place to score their tail? Riiiight, so let me get this straight: Since people are going to cheat on their taxes anyway, maybe I should create a service that allows to you withhold money from the IRS, safely, without anyone finding out...and that will be totally kosher with all parties involved? Cool beans.

I'm sickened and saddened that this is a for-real service; and to make matters worse, this dude is married. WITH KIDS. Two little girls, in fact. And the grossy-grossest part? The Ashley Madison site is named after the "two most popular little girl's names of 2001" (the year the site was founded.)

America, we have met an all-time morality low. Congratulations.


TODAY'S ROXY SHOCKS RX: Make the effort to work on your romantic, monogamous relationship, and it can and will be fulfilling. If you don't want that kind of responsibility, MORE POWER TO YA! Stay single! Live it up! BUT, if you've chosen to get married or partner-up, you have to put in the work to stay fulfilled!

So it doesn't take much effort to chat up some hottie on IM; think about the effort and time it will take when you get divorced, are in custody disputes, or look someone in the eyes that you've been cheating on. You've made promises (maybe even vows) to your partner. Respect them. Better yet, respect yourself in the morning, and always. As my awesome father-in-law says, "Peace of mind is better than a piece of ass."

Brilliant.

To Be Me or Not To Be Me, That is the Question.

There comes a time, during the course of any day in my life, when thoughts of doubt and worry creep into my mind--even if only for a few moments. Though there are variations on a theme, the main idea is clear: "What if people don't accept me as I am? "What if I'm too edgy, weird, sensitive, insensitive, nice, bitchy, or otherwise ____________ to be a psychologist?" "What if the experiences I've had in my life--especially the juicy ones, the addictions, the creative ones, the passionate ones--what if someone, somewhere doesn't approve, or thinks it ruins my character?" "Where would I be if I wasn't accepted as being 100% wholesome, altruistic, appropriate, and normal?"

Well, I'd be a damn boring person, first of all. Secondly, I'd be crawling out of my skin. If nothing else, it saddens me that when many people have those doubts they make the decision to stifle their real selves in order to please others, to keep up appearances, and to make sure that no one objects to their essential worth as a human.

Being the daughter of a perfectionistic woman who could never be pleased, I've known the madness that is caused by taking for granted the people who accept you, while obsessively focusing on the ones who won't (or can't). Boyfriends, teachers, enemies, authority figures, peers, parents...if someone smiled at me, I'd smile back and forget about it. If someone sneered, frowned, or looked at me sideways, it was as if my head was going to explode if I couldn't get them to like me. I'd find ways to ingratiate myself: compliment them, study them to find out what they liked and how I could capitalize on that. One boyfriend I had (who was holding out on telling me that elusive "L" word) mentioned casually he was really into "redheads." Being a natural brunette, I felt the odds for Love stacked against my dark tresses, and decided to dye. Although the short-term benefits were intoxicating--seeing the gleam in his eye when I walked into view, hearing the compliments about how cute I looked--the long term issues ran much deeper. I was turning myself into what I thought others wanted. If I didn't morph precisely right, I believed, I would be rejected and alone forever.

And so, this brings me to the present. Roxy Shocks is a walking, talking symbol of everything a people-pleaser isn't. She doesn't give a rat's ass if you don't like her, and she'll actually work to make sure she scares the hell out of you, and then she'll give you a gleeful kiss on the cheek as if to say "Now, wasn't that fun?" If there was an opposite to my personality, I created it in her. She is my Shadow. The pride, satisfaction, and relief I've found performing as this alter-ego is immeasurable. But, what happens now? I want to infuse that Shadow persona into my clinical work, but what would the collective "other" think? Would they understand the psychological underpinnings of my need for her (or, at least, my need to create her at the time in my life that I did)? Or would they see an unstable, masochistic, sadistic, hedonistic exhibitionist with a blood fetish? Much as I like to think I've gotten to a space where the opinion of others isn't as important...you know the rest.

How do I synthesize the two worlds, and cope successfully with the fallout that might happen when others start slinging mud at my little bubble of creative catharsis? Or am I just replaying the past, making myself usher new wrinkles in with worries about hypothetical people who might make hypothetical judgments? I'm a freak about hypotheses.

I'm just sick of judgments instead of acceptance as a base for creating change. Where are the examples of an accessible therapist or clinician in the media, who isn't a pious-punishing-and-prudent Dr. Laura, or a no-excuses-straight-talkin'-down-home Dr. Phil? Where is the therapist/doctor who "gets" that we all have a history, we all have our Shadows, and we all deserve the chance to keep learning from them...to work on ourselves with the knowledge that none of us are "better" than anyone else because we didn't make certain mistakes, that to grow healthier is to acknowledge the good and the bad, to make better choices next time, and to extend the same open-mind to the paths of others. Maybe that's just not dramatic enough. I guess "Stop shacking up," and "Get real," confrontations are what America wants; punishing their darkness, idealizing their light, and refusing to condone anyone who veers from that norm. Where, oh where would we be without our negative judgments of others and ourselves?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we should accept sociopaths with open arms, or have affairs, or hurt anyone including ourselves if we can avoid it; I'm talking about the Dark and Light life that most of us Americans lead and how we can learn to be curious and accepting about it. What are we refusing to look at? Our lies, our denials, our gossiping, our vendettas, our addictions, our inconsiderations, our regrets, our unrequited loves, our desperations, all the things we wanted to do but didn't, and all the things we wish we hadn't done, but did.

If you know anything about Roxy Shocks, or me in general, and you're turned off by me, my burlesque, my stance on psychology, my personality, this blog...that's the way it is. But, I challenge you to look at yourself: what in your life is touched by those aspects of me (or others you've known) that you don't like? Do I trigger your fears of being crazy? Your inability to see yourself as dark, or imperfect? Or maybe I push a button that reads "dork," and you can't tolerate the dorky, geeky, quasi-comedic part of this writing that most of my blog is based on. I'm not taking things seriously enough, or I'm taking myself too seriously. Whatever you don't like, it's all good, but just humor me and take a second look at your reactions.

And if you like this blog, thank you. Maybe I resonate with certain parts of your personality, your experiences, or people in your life. Or maybe I don't...but most likely I do. And I can and will analyze everyone, including myself, until the cows make it on home. But above all, thank you for joining me here. This is the beginning of what I hope will be a lifelong Shadow dance Roxy and I are choreographing. If there's anything I plan to achieve in this life, it's this: becoming the best version of me, and helping others to do the same.

TODAY'S ROXY SHOCKS RX: Rattle off two lists of what you love and hate about other people in your life, and in general. If you have time, take a look at both lists with the knowledge (or theory) that everyone has a Shadow (according to Carl Jung). What does your Shadow hold? What are the things/aspects/traits you just can't stand, what are the aspects you love, and could it be true that those are the same aspects you can't tolerate--or that you secretly appreciate--in yourself?