There's a 5x7 photo stuck to the center of our refrigerator, held up with a magnet that reads, "It's been lovely, but I have to scream now." The photo is of me, circa 2005, wearing a black tank top, a black mini skirt, and about 35 fewer pounds.
That magnet pretty much conveys how I feel every time I see that damned photo.
I've been trying to lose those same 35 pounds since 2009, a few months after having my daughter Lucy. I swore that after my c-section healed, I would be back to my "fighting weight" in less than a year. Lucy's potty trained now, and is old enough to point at the fridge and say, "Mommy looks smaller in this picture."
To be fair -- which is always what I say when I start feeling the need to cut myself some slack -- I gained almost 100 pounds during my pregnancy with Lucy. 100 pounds. Not a typo. 65 of those pounds came off within the first year when I a) stopped eating Carl's Jr. every day, and b) let my exercise regimen expand beyond walking between the kitchen and the couch.
But these other 35 pounds are a different story. At some point in 2011, I had a brief meltdown. I became obsessed with my weight. I would stare in disbelief at the scale when the numbers flashed. Two years post having Lucy, I had the weight of about three 10-pound babies in me. I secretly wondered if there were two more babies still floating around that had been missed during the c-section. Maybe they migrated upwards and were surviving in my breasts, which have remained huge as the years passed since Lucy's birth.
No such luck. It was just fat.
As I've discussed before here, my body battle is long-standing. I've wrestled with weight since I was about 10 years old, so this is nothing new or strange to me; This feeling like my body is a separate entity that I have no control over. And this entity has survived decades of losing and gaining weight, but has learned few lessons along the way about how to do things differently.
So I punish this body. I keep nourishing grains and vegetables from it for hours, only to lose control and give it Hostess cupcakes later that night. I think I'm doing it a favor by staying away from bread and carbs, but later force donuts down its throat when I'm a shaking, anxious mess from a lack of balanced blood sugar.
And no one can be blamed for not teaching me the lessons of nutrition. I know exactly what is "good" and "bad" for this body. There is no confusion regarding healthy choices and unhealthy choices. My logical brain knows this. But, my emotional brain forgets. And so I have 35 pounds still sitting here. If you'd never met me before, you'd probably think voluptuous - big boobs, curvy hips, tall. But, this is not about me not being an attractive person. This is about health. Curvy is good. Hostess cupcakes are bad.
So, what have I done to remedy this, you might ask? Many things, friends. For one, I joined Myfitnesspal, sparkpeople, Weight Watchers, and other assorted "support networks" online. Everything would start so well: I'd scour all the "Before and After" photos and stories, swell with excitement as I envisioned myself up on those message boards. Photos plastered all over the internet of me in a split-screen, my fit and healthy body tanned and toned to inspire the world. I'd get all set with my profile name, photo, and a small blurb about why, after years and years without success, THIS would be THE time I got my shit together and lost the weight for good.
I would religiously journal my "points eaten", calories consumed, and/or exercises accomplished for each day, all day. It felt so diligent and hardcore. It also felt exhausting. Life would creep in. Lucy needs me. I started working again more. I just finished my doctorate. Basically, there's a lot of
So I took myself off of those sites, and I started focusing more on nutrition. But, as well-versed as I am in the plant-based diet that I know is best for me, my brain seems to short circuit during the course of any given day. Thus leading to the Hostess cupcake choices and the same 35 pounds I've been alluding to since this blog began.
And then. The article. "The Fat Trap" - Tara Parker-Pope's incredibly depressing and fantastic explanation of why most of us who are overweight are kinda doomed to stay that way. As Parker-Pope sums up, it is "very, very difficult" for people who've gained and lost weight to live lives comparable to those who have never yo-yo dieted. In generalized terms, there are genetic, social, emotional, and biological aspects that all must be taken into account. There are no easy answers anymore. It's not just "calories in - calories out," or a specific diet system, or any other one strategy available for us to commit to. It is, instead, a life-long process of us being 100% aware at all times that our weight will always be a struggle to maintain. As Parker-Pope stated, for some of us who have had on-going weight problems, our bodies may have "set" themselves higher weights. So, we either need to change our goals to become "more realistic," or we need to become "hypervigilant" about making the changes needed to reach goals that are more difficult than ever to achieve.
I now have the 2005 photo of me sitting next to the computer as I type this. I look at it, knowing there are two ways to keep this image in my mind. Given how difficult it appears that losing these 35 pounds will be, 2005 Julie can either be a goal or ghost. Either way, I've got a journey in store.
If 2005 Julie is my goal, I can't use the Parker-Pope article as an excuse for giving up. So what if I'm biologically, socially, and genetically pegged to keep these 35 pounds on since I gained the weight being pregnant? That doesn't mean I can't meet that challenge. I don't want the excess poundage, so I'll need to stay on track to get what I want.
If 2005 Julie is a ghost, I have to let that dead, thinner version of me rest. 2005 was over about seven years ago, and my body then is not the same body I'm in now. The Julie then was post-bad breakup, pre-awesome marriage, pre-incredible baby, and pre-intense beyond belief doctorate. I like the 2012 Julie a whole lot more than the 2005 Julie, if for nothing else the wisdom and life experience she's gained in addition to the pounds.
So, yeah. Goal or ghost. I'll letcha know how it goes. Until then...
Boo.
